Strength

Bless me Google TM, for I have sinned. It's been eight months since my last post.

Quite a bit can occur in eight months. Sit back. I'll pour the margaritas and we can chat. It's funny how we can be so brave one moment and so cowardly the next. Ummm... maybe "cowardly" is too strong of a word? How about chicken****? No? Ok... let's go with "not quite as brave". Ask me to stand up to a situation for a friend and I won't hesitate. Ask me to state my opinion on the changes that continue to play out on the Second Life grid...oh, I won't shut up! But...ask me to tell a person how I feel about them and fight for love? ...Uh ...Is it raining outside? I thought I heard something. I'm the kind that walks away. I'm "reasonable". I'm the kind that doesn't want to be around if I think I'm not welcome. I had a couple of braver moments this year, but they fizzled. *laughs* I'm telling you this, because I used to be braver. I have danced in the flames and survived. What has happened to me to change that? I don't know. Maybe there are degrees to this sort of risk. Maybe the cost seemed so high that I choked. I don't know. What I do know is that I walked away from something I wanted with all my heart, because of fear. I told myself that it was better to be reasonable and let it go. I told myself that I shouldn't try. That I had no chance of success. Ok...maybe I didn't, but damn it...I should have tried. Instead, I have spent the past eight months working and trying to pretend I'm fine. When a friend almost broke up with her partner because of a *trust-pride-rejection* issue, I couldn't let her make the same mistake I did. I asked her to fight for love. They are together and happy. I couldn't fix my own life, but I'm glad my mistakes helped them. As for me? I will try not to make this same mistake again. I'll look for other mistakes I haven't tried yet.

There is one thing I have learned from all of this. We all have wings. We just forget we have them. Be brave. True strength comes from faith in yourself. Nothing and no one can take that away from you.

It's Also About Getting There

I'm sure that you have heard the saying "It isn't about the destination. It's about the journey." Well, I'll agree with that statement...to a degree. You see, in some cases it is about getting there. And sometimes, however you can get there, is OK.

We stumble through life as best we can. We have successes and we make mistakes. Both sides of the coin are part and parcel of life. I am not ashamed of my mistakes, because I know that they have helped me to grow. (And believe me , I've made some really stupid choices this past year!) The thing is, I was concentrating on the journey and ignoring the direction and the destination. That is just as silly as doing it the other way and focusing only on the destination. I was doing this day to day thing and ignoring where it was leading, which was down a dark hole. At some point, I woke up and took a good look around at my surroundings and said "Dang! How the hell did I get here?" That's when I pulled out my trusty map. We all have one. It's a built in standard feature in all humans. Anytime we get turned around and feel lost, we can whip out "the map" and get our bearings. So, I looked at my map and realized I was slightly off course. I was headed in the right general direction, but I needed to do a slight course correction.

As is often the case with me, I create a sculpture and then grow into it. I think that these sculptures may be my way of manifesting points to follow on my map. (Hey...whatever works. Right? If you know me, then you know that I am directionally challenged. I get lost turning around.) A few weeks ago, I created a sculpture that I called, "Soul's Journey". In essence, I built a beacon of hope to follow.

Life is messy, unpredictable and full of imperfection. We are human and so by our very nature flawed. Yet in our flaws and vulnerability, we are beautiful and strong. I have finally grown into "Rebirth" and "Soul's Journey". I have looked at my map, corrected my course and found hope. No, I don't have all the answers, nor even many of the questions. *laughs* However, what I have found inside myself this week is far more valuable. Me. The rest is just down the road.