Faith, Hope... or Idiocy?

Dreamers - Gwen Carillon

Being in love with another person  seems to be an act of faith that borders on arrogance.What right do we have to have faith that another person will return our love. What sense is there in hoping for something that may or may not happen, regardless of whether or not we deserve it and regardless of whether or not it makes sense. When is hope empty? When is it just a silly dream that deludes rather than strengthens? When is it destructive? I have no answers. I can barely verbalize the questions. Is love a singularity meant to keep its own counsel and its own rules? Are there rules in love and in the loving  of another person? If there are, why don't we know them? What if we don't hope? What if we shelve hope and faith as impractical and embrace what we see as reason instead? What then? Does that make us healthier for our stoicism? Does some nameless God of love pat us on our backs for showing good sense? Ultimately, we reward and punish ourselves. We stand, sit and dream on our own opinions of the traits ...the principles we think we should embody. We can love, as long as we don't assume others feel as we do. So...has love been a solo act all along? I'm not saying it is. I'm merely asking the question. I don't expect an answer...Sometimes the asking is enough.

...And no. Just in case anyone thinks this is specific to a person...it isn't. It's about me ...it's MY  blog! Words, like images and sculpture,  are art.  They don't need a reason.. They simply are.*Laughs*

Wings

Did I say I wasn't brave? Guess what? I've discovered something really important. It takes bravery to walk forward. It takes courage to live and accept mistakes. I screw up sometimes. We all do. But if we can accept that and move forward, I think that counts as bravery. Sometimes we move forward alone...and sometimes we get pulled along by friends. I won't waste time regretting the decisions I've made. That's done and gone. Placing energy on things that are unalterable is just plain stupid. I'm not going to spend my life trying to fix something that wants to stay broken. I'm grateful for the lesson (not really- *laughs*) and hopefully I've passed the pop quiz and won't have to retake this particular class. This Jersey Girl has wings and she's not afraid to use them!

Strength

Bless me Google TM, for I have sinned. It's been eight months since my last post.

Quite a bit can occur in eight months. Sit back. I'll pour the margaritas and we can chat. It's funny how we can be so brave one moment and so cowardly the next. Ummm... maybe "cowardly" is too strong of a word? How about chicken****? No? Ok... let's go with "not quite as brave". Ask me to stand up to a situation for a friend and I won't hesitate. Ask me to state my opinion on the changes that continue to play out on the Second Life grid...oh, I won't shut up! But...ask me to tell a person how I feel about them and fight for love? ...Uh ...Is it raining outside? I thought I heard something. I'm the kind that walks away. I'm "reasonable". I'm the kind that doesn't want to be around if I think I'm not welcome. I had a couple of braver moments this year, but they fizzled. *laughs* I'm telling you this, because I used to be braver. I have danced in the flames and survived. What has happened to me to change that? I don't know. Maybe there are degrees to this sort of risk. Maybe the cost seemed so high that I choked. I don't know. What I do know is that I walked away from something I wanted with all my heart, because of fear. I told myself that it was better to be reasonable and let it go. I told myself that I shouldn't try. That I had no chance of success. Ok...maybe I didn't, but damn it...I should have tried. Instead, I have spent the past eight months working and trying to pretend I'm fine. When a friend almost broke up with her partner because of a *trust-pride-rejection* issue, I couldn't let her make the same mistake I did. I asked her to fight for love. They are together and happy. I couldn't fix my own life, but I'm glad my mistakes helped them. As for me? I will try not to make this same mistake again. I'll look for other mistakes I haven't tried yet.

There is one thing I have learned from all of this. We all have wings. We just forget we have them. Be brave. True strength comes from faith in yourself. Nothing and no one can take that away from you.

Still Dancing

Photos used, courtesy of Carabella Babii

A while ago I posted a blog piece about my sculpture Fire Dance. Funny how you can forget your own words. I reread that post and reminded myself of some things I learned. Dancing in flames is always a risk. I know this and dance anyway. I dance for myself. I dance to dispel fear. I dance to embrace life. I dance in blind faith. Faith, that love is real and is the only thing worth the dance. When happily ever after is just dust in the crease of the book binding, faith makes me turn the page and keep dancing. Am I an idiot to think that the dance itself is worth the risk of crash and burn? Maybe...(laughs) but I'm an optimist. I always turn the page. Ultimately, I do this for me. I have let fear rule me in the past. I will never do so again. Am I still scared? Of course I am. Sometimes I'm so scared I freeze. Then I remember that I am more than my failures, more than my mistakes and more than my fears. I guess it comes down to this: Live or let fear swallow me in an endless loop of doubt and regret. So...I dance. I play my music, dance and celebrate being alive. If I crash and burn, I think of the phoenix and I remember I will get up and dance again and again and again.....

I close my eyes

And see yours

I can reach out

Touch your cheek

In a moment

We never shared

But always had.

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time, I believed in "once upon a time". Now, I know better. Perhaps that's a good thing. I don't know. I will say that the hardest thing to give up on in life is the notion of*happily ever after*. We may get that part of the time, but there are no guarantees like that in life. At this point you may be saying "Damn, Gwen sounds bleak!" Just because I don't believe in guarantees, doesn't mean I give up. You see, I believe that we make our own luck. We bring good things into our lives by expecting, appreciating and nurturing them. Even if we don't get a fairytale life, we can still enjoy the good bits and be grateful for the superb moments of true magic. Happiness isn't an outside force that comes into your life. Happiness is a state of mind. We choose it. Happiness comes from within. Expecting others to make us happy will only cause disappointment, not to mention that it's unfair to place that kind of responsibility on another person. Instead, I am learning to live with an open hand. I have come to understand the ebb and flow of balance and change. Learning patience is a challenge, but I'm getting there...sort of. *laughs*

We all have needs and desires. We have categorized our lives into "I would be happy and life would be perfect if I could just ..." and "When this (fill in the event) happens, I will be happy." So...in essence, we are putting off happiness till the correct conditions are met, the stars align and we have a good hair day? Why? Each day is an opportunity for fulfillment. Each day we have the chance to live in the moment and appreciate ourselves, our friends, our families and our lives. We have a choice: Embrace that opportunity or waste it, waiting for an outside force to complete us.

"Well, I... I think that it... that it wasn't enough to just want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em... and it's that if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard; because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with."

-Dorothy Gale (Portrayed by Judy Garland), Wizard of Oz -1939- MGM

A September Wind in Second Life - Prim Perfect Magazine Sept.2009

Mid-September and fall announced an early arrival with an audible hiss through late summer branches. The weather changed. I sit curled up into a letter C on my not so new couch, listening to the wind do its worst as it sends splatter after splatter of rain against the window panes. New Jersey in the fall. You can actually taste it in the air. When I was little, it tasted like a goodbye and a hello all rolled into one - like an end of summer song. It tasted of back to school clothing, lunches packed neatly into colorful metal boxes, and Halloween candy. Fall. My birthday is in the fall. It was always kind of a double whammy. I'd look forward to my birthday, but with it came school and a goodbye to lazy summer. Shifting on the couch, I reach down and drag an old worn afghan over my legs and close my eyes. Not to sleep. For some reason I can't sleep, though I know I'm tired. Thoughts swirl round in my head, some innocuous, some stinging. The ones that sting carry a "you should have ... (fill in appropriate chore)" with them. When I was little ...i t was just about homework. Now? It's about everything. Now, fall just tastes like goodbye.
Change is what fall is all about. Moving on, we leave pleasant summer memories behind and step into the uncertainty of a September wind. We never really feel secure or safe. There is no safety when you are an adult. If you fall, you have to hold out your own arms and catch yourself. If you also have children, like I do, you have to catch them, too. My house is a safe little nest. It is a shelter against that storm spitting rain against the windows. My house is also a stinging thought. A reminder of how tenuous my hold is and how far down I can fall. This is my family's shelter. Their only shelter. And September's wind is just beyond these walls. My thoughts drift back to my parents. How my mother must have felt hearing the September wind, while shopping for my new school shoes. How my father must have felt hearing the September wind while he balanced the check book. I would like to say that I wish I'd known, so that I could appreciate what they might have felt, but I'm glad I didn't. I'm glad my own children don't. Children should think about running through piles of crisp leaves or sneaking into the Halloween candy stash. They should never know the fear of fall ... of falling.
--
An excerpt from "September Wind" by Gwen Carillon
_______________

A September wind is blowing for many creators in *Second Life*. We work here on the grid while those around us play. We ignore invitations to inworld parties, in order to meet deadlines and get product out. We rarely have social lives beyond the IMs our friends send us, asking if we are still alive. Many of us come from a full day of work in the physical world to log in and work the night away in *Second Life*. Others, like me, conduct business full time in *Second Life*. Many of us are single parents, juggling family time with client and customer demands. Fighting to stay alive in this economic climate is difficult enough without dealing with intellectual property theft. Most of us are scared to death of failing our families and losing our incomes. I think what gets to me is the apathy. The seeming lack of concern that others have for theft of our work. I have asked myself why, many times. *Why* don't people see intellectual property theft *as* theft? *Why* does a person that would never rob a bank or a convenience store in the physical world ... someone who wouldn't break into his neighbor's home and steal a painting ... commit theft and fraud here in *Second Life*? The answer is in our conversations every day here in the world of *Second Life*.
"Gotta go. RL calls."
"Yeah, it's a RL thing."
"I don't want this affecting my RL."
"We aren't RL yet. It's a Second Life thing."
"I keep my Second Life and my Real Life separate."
"Lighten up! It's just a game!"

Recognise those statements? I will bet you any amount of money that you have used at least one of those statements in an IM conversation with a friend or acquaintance. The answer is that many residents of *Second Life* do not see their time here as **real**. Many do not see even see other *Second Life* residents as real. It's not *real* if I can turn away from you with a click of an X on the corner of my computer screen. Um.... Hello? Is talking on the phone to someone a real conversation? Is the person on the other end of the phone line not *real* because you can hang up on them? People in the virtual world of *Second Life* are real. I am real and I'm pretty sure you are too. But ... if I say that you are not real, then I don't feel wrong in stealing from you, do I? If I tell myself, "It's just a game", then anything I do within this *game* doesn't count. Except *Second Life* isn't a game. Games have objectives, rules ... something to *win*. It is the mindset of leaving your ethics in a desk drawer because they don't apply in a virtual world. After all ... it's "just a game". The anonymity of a virtual environment creates a false sense that our actions will not really hurt anyone. The residents of *Second Life* need to look at a truth. All actions have consequences, whether those actions take place in a physical world or a virtual one. Theft is real, emotional abuse is real. The people behind the avatars on the computer screen are REAL! In fact, the employees of Linden Lab are real too! Avatars holding the last name of Linden in *Second Life* are real people going to real jobs and supporting real families. That said, maybe we can all take a second look at our "second lives" and rethink our actions and our interaction with others in this virtual space many call a *game*.

September Wind

Mid September and fall announced an early arrival with an audible hiss through late summer branches. The weather changed. I sit curled up into a letter C on my not so new couch, listening to the wind do its worst as it sends splatter after splatter of rain against the window panes. New Jersey in the fall. You can actually taste it in the air. When I was little, it tasted like a goodbye and a hello all rolled into one - like an end of summer song. It tasted of back to school clothing, lunches packed neatly in colorful metal boxes and Halloween candy. Fall. My birthday is in the fall. It was always kind of a double whammy. I 'd look forward to my birthday, but with it came school and a goodbye to lazy summer. Shifting on the couch , I reach down and drag an old worn afghan over my legs and close my eyes. Not to sleep. For some reason I can't sleep, though I know I'm tired. Thoughts swirl round in my head. some innocuous, some stinging. The ones that sting carry a "you should have ...(fill in appropriate chore)" with them. When I was little...it was just about homework. Now? It's about everything. Now, fall just tastes like goodbye.

Change is what fall is all about. Moving on, we leave pleasant summer memories behind and step into the uncertainty of a September wind. We never really feel secure or safe. There is no safety when you are an adult. If you fall, you have to hold out your own arms and catch yourself. If you also have children, like I do, you have to catch them too. My house is a safe little nest. It is a shelter against that storm spitting rain against the windows. My house is also a stinging thought. A reminder of how tenuous my hold is and how far down I can fall. This is my family's shelter. Their only shelter. And September's wind is just beyond these walls. My thoughts drift back to my parents. How my mother must have felt hearing the September wind, while shopping for my new school shoes. How my father must have felt hearing the September wind while he balanced the check book. I would like to say that I wish I'd known, so that I could appreciate what they might have felt, but I'm glad I didn't. I'm glad my own children don't. Children should think about running through piles of crisp leaves or sneaking into the Halloween candy stash. They should never know the fear of fall...of falling.