Imagine a wisp of air...ethereal, insubstantial and fleeting. Imagine glass...fragile and crystalline. When life is challenging, we can sometimes feel disconnected from those we love and even from the world around us. We feel fragile...as insubstantial as breath. So fragile that we could blow away if we don't make a concerted effort to hang on to ourselves.
Over the past week or two, I have felt disconnected. My anchors...my touch stones don't seem reachable. I am pealed back to my fragile core and exposed. The slightest breeze can sweep me of the edge, so I hang on to myself. I tell myself that I can stand. I tell myself that I can hold. Who knows...maybe I can?
The choices we make in life build the structure that we stand on. The people we include in our lives are always a part of that structure. The problem is...weak choices can weaken that structure and cause it to collapse under its own weight or tip over for lack of balance. We seek balance in our selves. We seek balance in our work. Maybe we should seek balance in love. Maybe it's not "OK" to always be the one who opens...reaches out. Maybe by doing so, it takes too much from us. Maybe it doesn't encourage others to step up. In any case, I need to stop overspending myself. I haven't reached any momentous decisions on this topic or resolved anything within myself. I'm still here...still standing. But...I now understand that balance is applicable in relationships too. I don't know why I didn't see that before. Its not OK to expect to put myself last. Its not "OK"to always be OK with everything. I am not giving up on love. I am not giving up on friendships. I am drawing boundaries between what I can be "OK" with and what I can't. I have some really amazing friends and family. I love my friends and family dearly. I hope that they will understand. I hope that they will see this as an opportunity reach out. I know that right now I am over extended and I can't hold my hand out any farther without falling.
Breath....delicate....insubstantial...fragile, it exists in the in betweens of moments. And I am in between one breath and the next.