Still Dancing

Photos used, courtesy of Carabella Babii

A while ago I posted a blog piece about my sculpture Fire Dance. Funny how you can forget your own words. I reread that post and reminded myself of some things I learned. Dancing in flames is always a risk. I know this and dance anyway. I dance for myself. I dance to dispel fear. I dance to embrace life. I dance in blind faith. Faith, that love is real and is the only thing worth the dance. When happily ever after is just dust in the crease of the book binding, faith makes me turn the page and keep dancing. Am I an idiot to think that the dance itself is worth the risk of crash and burn? Maybe...(laughs) but I'm an optimist. I always turn the page. Ultimately, I do this for me. I have let fear rule me in the past. I will never do so again. Am I still scared? Of course I am. Sometimes I'm so scared I freeze. Then I remember that I am more than my failures, more than my mistakes and more than my fears. I guess it comes down to this: Live or let fear swallow me in an endless loop of doubt and regret. So...I dance. I play my music, dance and celebrate being alive. If I crash and burn, I think of the phoenix and I remember I will get up and dance again and again and again.....

I close my eyes

And see yours

I can reach out

Touch your cheek

In a moment

We never shared

But always had.

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time, I believed in "once upon a time". Now, I know better. Perhaps that's a good thing. I don't know. I will say that the hardest thing to give up on in life is the notion of*happily ever after*. We may get that part of the time, but there are no guarantees like that in life. At this point you may be saying "Damn, Gwen sounds bleak!" Just because I don't believe in guarantees, doesn't mean I give up. You see, I believe that we make our own luck. We bring good things into our lives by expecting, appreciating and nurturing them. Even if we don't get a fairytale life, we can still enjoy the good bits and be grateful for the superb moments of true magic. Happiness isn't an outside force that comes into your life. Happiness is a state of mind. We choose it. Happiness comes from within. Expecting others to make us happy will only cause disappointment, not to mention that it's unfair to place that kind of responsibility on another person. Instead, I am learning to live with an open hand. I have come to understand the ebb and flow of balance and change. Learning patience is a challenge, but I'm getting there...sort of. *laughs*

We all have needs and desires. We have categorized our lives into "I would be happy and life would be perfect if I could just ..." and "When this (fill in the event) happens, I will be happy." So...in essence, we are putting off happiness till the correct conditions are met, the stars align and we have a good hair day? Why? Each day is an opportunity for fulfillment. Each day we have the chance to live in the moment and appreciate ourselves, our friends, our families and our lives. We have a choice: Embrace that opportunity or waste it, waiting for an outside force to complete us.

"Well, I... I think that it... that it wasn't enough to just want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em... and it's that if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard; because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with."

-Dorothy Gale (Portrayed by Judy Garland), Wizard of Oz -1939- MGM

A September Wind in Second Life - Prim Perfect Magazine Sept.2009

Mid-September and fall announced an early arrival with an audible hiss through late summer branches. The weather changed. I sit curled up into a letter C on my not so new couch, listening to the wind do its worst as it sends splatter after splatter of rain against the window panes. New Jersey in the fall. You can actually taste it in the air. When I was little, it tasted like a goodbye and a hello all rolled into one - like an end of summer song. It tasted of back to school clothing, lunches packed neatly into colorful metal boxes, and Halloween candy. Fall. My birthday is in the fall. It was always kind of a double whammy. I'd look forward to my birthday, but with it came school and a goodbye to lazy summer. Shifting on the couch, I reach down and drag an old worn afghan over my legs and close my eyes. Not to sleep. For some reason I can't sleep, though I know I'm tired. Thoughts swirl round in my head, some innocuous, some stinging. The ones that sting carry a "you should have ... (fill in appropriate chore)" with them. When I was little ...i t was just about homework. Now? It's about everything. Now, fall just tastes like goodbye.
Change is what fall is all about. Moving on, we leave pleasant summer memories behind and step into the uncertainty of a September wind. We never really feel secure or safe. There is no safety when you are an adult. If you fall, you have to hold out your own arms and catch yourself. If you also have children, like I do, you have to catch them, too. My house is a safe little nest. It is a shelter against that storm spitting rain against the windows. My house is also a stinging thought. A reminder of how tenuous my hold is and how far down I can fall. This is my family's shelter. Their only shelter. And September's wind is just beyond these walls. My thoughts drift back to my parents. How my mother must have felt hearing the September wind, while shopping for my new school shoes. How my father must have felt hearing the September wind while he balanced the check book. I would like to say that I wish I'd known, so that I could appreciate what they might have felt, but I'm glad I didn't. I'm glad my own children don't. Children should think about running through piles of crisp leaves or sneaking into the Halloween candy stash. They should never know the fear of fall ... of falling.
--
An excerpt from "September Wind" by Gwen Carillon
_______________

A September wind is blowing for many creators in *Second Life*. We work here on the grid while those around us play. We ignore invitations to inworld parties, in order to meet deadlines and get product out. We rarely have social lives beyond the IMs our friends send us, asking if we are still alive. Many of us come from a full day of work in the physical world to log in and work the night away in *Second Life*. Others, like me, conduct business full time in *Second Life*. Many of us are single parents, juggling family time with client and customer demands. Fighting to stay alive in this economic climate is difficult enough without dealing with intellectual property theft. Most of us are scared to death of failing our families and losing our incomes. I think what gets to me is the apathy. The seeming lack of concern that others have for theft of our work. I have asked myself why, many times. *Why* don't people see intellectual property theft *as* theft? *Why* does a person that would never rob a bank or a convenience store in the physical world ... someone who wouldn't break into his neighbor's home and steal a painting ... commit theft and fraud here in *Second Life*? The answer is in our conversations every day here in the world of *Second Life*.
"Gotta go. RL calls."
"Yeah, it's a RL thing."
"I don't want this affecting my RL."
"We aren't RL yet. It's a Second Life thing."
"I keep my Second Life and my Real Life separate."
"Lighten up! It's just a game!"

Recognise those statements? I will bet you any amount of money that you have used at least one of those statements in an IM conversation with a friend or acquaintance. The answer is that many residents of *Second Life* do not see their time here as **real**. Many do not see even see other *Second Life* residents as real. It's not *real* if I can turn away from you with a click of an X on the corner of my computer screen. Um.... Hello? Is talking on the phone to someone a real conversation? Is the person on the other end of the phone line not *real* because you can hang up on them? People in the virtual world of *Second Life* are real. I am real and I'm pretty sure you are too. But ... if I say that you are not real, then I don't feel wrong in stealing from you, do I? If I tell myself, "It's just a game", then anything I do within this *game* doesn't count. Except *Second Life* isn't a game. Games have objectives, rules ... something to *win*. It is the mindset of leaving your ethics in a desk drawer because they don't apply in a virtual world. After all ... it's "just a game". The anonymity of a virtual environment creates a false sense that our actions will not really hurt anyone. The residents of *Second Life* need to look at a truth. All actions have consequences, whether those actions take place in a physical world or a virtual one. Theft is real, emotional abuse is real. The people behind the avatars on the computer screen are REAL! In fact, the employees of Linden Lab are real too! Avatars holding the last name of Linden in *Second Life* are real people going to real jobs and supporting real families. That said, maybe we can all take a second look at our "second lives" and rethink our actions and our interaction with others in this virtual space many call a *game*.

September Wind

Mid September and fall announced an early arrival with an audible hiss through late summer branches. The weather changed. I sit curled up into a letter C on my not so new couch, listening to the wind do its worst as it sends splatter after splatter of rain against the window panes. New Jersey in the fall. You can actually taste it in the air. When I was little, it tasted like a goodbye and a hello all rolled into one - like an end of summer song. It tasted of back to school clothing, lunches packed neatly in colorful metal boxes and Halloween candy. Fall. My birthday is in the fall. It was always kind of a double whammy. I 'd look forward to my birthday, but with it came school and a goodbye to lazy summer. Shifting on the couch , I reach down and drag an old worn afghan over my legs and close my eyes. Not to sleep. For some reason I can't sleep, though I know I'm tired. Thoughts swirl round in my head. some innocuous, some stinging. The ones that sting carry a "you should have ...(fill in appropriate chore)" with them. When I was little...it was just about homework. Now? It's about everything. Now, fall just tastes like goodbye.

Change is what fall is all about. Moving on, we leave pleasant summer memories behind and step into the uncertainty of a September wind. We never really feel secure or safe. There is no safety when you are an adult. If you fall, you have to hold out your own arms and catch yourself. If you also have children, like I do, you have to catch them too. My house is a safe little nest. It is a shelter against that storm spitting rain against the windows. My house is also a stinging thought. A reminder of how tenuous my hold is and how far down I can fall. This is my family's shelter. Their only shelter. And September's wind is just beyond these walls. My thoughts drift back to my parents. How my mother must have felt hearing the September wind, while shopping for my new school shoes. How my father must have felt hearing the September wind while he balanced the check book. I would like to say that I wish I'd known, so that I could appreciate what they might have felt, but I'm glad I didn't. I'm glad my own children don't. Children should think about running through piles of crisp leaves or sneaking into the Halloween candy stash. They should never know the fear of fall...of falling.

The Road

Stepping out into the light of day, I squint my eyes against the unfamiliar brightness. So...this is the road , huh? Hhhmmm....seems pretty long. But, as I look back from where I stand and see where I've been, I realize how far I've walked since we last spoke. I'm a bit tired and foot sore. You too? I guess that's to be expected. We cannot walk this road without a few blisters. (laughs) Blisters heal. We may limp occasionally but we keep walking.

I have always thanked the friends I have in my life for kicking, tugging and pulling me along. I don't think I have ever stopped to thank the folks that encouraged the blisters. I know this may sound strange , but as I stand here now on this part of the road, I can honestly say I would not have gotten here without the lessons. I am not saying I welcome these folks into my life. Far from it! I am, however, grateful for what they have taught me. I have learned what I want in my life and what I don't. I have learned that love is a gift, not a purchase earned in points with correct behavior. Yes, it's really important to accept the person you love as they are. Not one of us is perfect. That does not mean that we must accept the hurt someone deals us. I'm really not great at dancing on the sharp point of a pin.

It really does come down to respect and sensitivity. In a relationship consisting of two people, both need to be sensitive to the other's needs . One sided relationships tend to tip over. (nice visual , huh?) We cannot expect our needs to be acknowledged without expressing them to our partner. That is an unrealistic expectation and very silly! Conversely, if we have a need that is important and we express that need to a partner, we give them the opportunity to participate in the relationship. If they ridicule us for having the nerve to ask...? Well, that speaks volumes! That is where I was. I voted with my feet and continued down the road. Funny thing is, I don't think I'm limping anymore.

I am not a beggar at Love's door, ready to accept scraps rather than leave empty handed. I am here to feast and nothing less will do.

The Language of Art

Art isn't something reserved for the deserving few. Art is a universal form of communication. It allows us to speak with one another in ways that go beyond conventional language. Art speaks to our emotional core. Image replaces syntax, stirring our emotions with color and shape, harmony and dissonance, poetry and prose. This language of art reaches across disciplines. It bridges societal differences and schools of thought. Art is the common language of the mythical Tower of Babel, encouraging us to collaborate and explore and accept new ideas.

Although we may love and appreciate art, we have not all experienced the creating of art first hand, since arts and crafts in grammar school. We don't finger paint any more. We have put the crayolas away and channeled our creative sides into more practical outlets that seem more acceptable and less frivolous to us. Many of us learn early in life that art is not a necessity but a luxury... something we can play with but must put away when life gets serious. But Art is not a luxury. It is a necessary expression of the human spirit. Art connects us on the soul level.

But let's not over-analyze art. That would take the fun out of it...kind of like trying to read the tea leaves rather than enjoying the tea. Instead let's enjoy it, immerse ourselves in it and let it take us to new places in our minds.

What if you could create anything you wanted, shape your environment at will, be your dream self ...even fly? Oh wait...you can! It's called Second Life. The limits we have are the ones we place on ourselves and our own creativity. Why would we do that? (laughs)Second Life is full of possibilities. All we need to do is open ourselves to those possibilities and explore! We don't need to limit ourselves to our "real life" existence, but instead take the brakes off of our imaginations and soar. We don't have to choose between Second Life and First Life. Second Life is not meant to replace “real life." It isn't an imitation of “real life.” Second Life stands alone on its own merit as a separate dimension, rich in dreams and beauty. It is a vehicle for exploring our creative sides. Creativity has no bounds and accepts no limitations. When I first got into world in May of 2006, I was amazed at the color and texture around me. Sure, I walked into walls for a while, in my default skin and hair, and wore boxes on my head at the shoe store. Newbie concerns aside, I fell in love with the freedom of imagination! I hope you will too.